Q

We are a couple and having a child. Of late I am not able to control my urge and within 10 to 15 seconds of intercourse, I ejaculate in my wife. Please help me out with this. I am not able to control myself and also not getting some feelings while ejaculating. Previously I used to feel the burst of semen from my penis at the time of orgasm.

A

Many men have a phase of premature ejaculation (PE) that they can overcome with improved relaxation, and a better understanding of their arousal pattern. 

If a sexual encounter is too brief the woman can feel dissatisfied and the man can feel angry with his body, inadequate, or unmanly.

In cultures where discussing sex is taboo, the couple can feel particularly lost and confused.   

Lynda Carlyle is a sex and relationship therapist, counsellor, sexologist and registered nurse, who has worked in the field of sexuality for a decade (lyndacarlyle.com). She says, "It is fairly common for men who are worried about premature ejaculation to notice a change in the feeling of pleasure at ejaculation. This is called ejaculatory anhedonia, with a reduction in, or no, experience of pleasure during orgasm.

"Men worry if PE is going to happen, and then build up tension in their bodies, particularly in their pelvic floor muscles. Orgasmic energy needs to flow, which it doesn't if you're wound up like a coil. On top of that, if ejaculation is happening before you want it to, most men will be saying "Oh No!" at that moment and trying to shut it down. So we have a physical shut down, and then a psychological shut down on top, which equals not much chance of pleasure."

Firstly, she says, remember to breathe: "Before you start anything, breathe gently and deeply, bringing the focus of your thoughts into the body. This will help you relax and improve your mind/body connection."

Take time over foreplay. Explore your wife's body, and learn how she likes to be touched. With kissing and caressing, intimate touch with your hands and your mouth, even a vibrator, you can give her pleasure before you have intercourse. Knowing that she has climaxed will take the pressure off.

Strengthen your pelvic floor muscles by learning and practising Kegel exercises. "Not only will this build arousal (think of it like a pump), it will ease the tension in the pelvic floor. You can use them like you use the brakes on your car, but you need to practise.

"Slow everything down. Imagine you are in a slow-motion movie and make your movements half the usual speed. Also give yourself at least three minutes to get used to the delicious feeling, before you start thrusting more quickly."

Many people feel uncomfortable about masturbation, but you need to learn about arousal. "Observe how your arousal builds in your body (this is sometimes easier on your own - a partner can be very distracting). What sensations do you notice? What changes as you get closer to ejaculation? How long can you delay things before you come?"

If there is one area on your penis that is particularly sensitive, apply a dab of anaesthetic cream to that area. Be sure to wash it all off before intercourse, or your wife will also be numb.

Try masturbating earlier in the day. Allow enough time for recovery, but this can take away some of the urgency.

When you do make love, take time-outs. "Slow sex down, but also mix up the intensity and the sensations. Short rapid strokes are going to get you there quickest, so try everything but. Most men find woman on top position easiest to control ejaculation."

Talk to your wife, and share your feelings with each other. A happy sex life is more likely for both of you if you are working together.

Finally, she says, "If it doesn't improve, see a sex therapist or speak to your GP and get a referral to a urologist who specialises in sexuality, not just plumbing."

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